Quotes - Page 2

Quotes from Season 5

Episode 137 - Rain From Heaven

Tulsa Weems: "I was wrong about you, mister.  You have a heart, a feelin' for things."

Tulsa Weems: “You don’t believe in rainmakers, huh?  I was a bit late, but you have to admit I pulled through all right.”
Ben: “Oh, I believe in rainmakers, Mr. Tulsa.  The Rainmaker you prayed to last night to help your little girl.”

Episode 141 - Calamity Over the Comstock

After Hoss went in to give Calamity Jane ("Cal") a towel for her bath, thinking she was a guy, Calamity Jane says: "That man's a peepin' Tom."
Hoss stammers his protest.

Episode 146 - Hoss and the Leprechauns

Adam: "Better get the net." (from Blue Velvet)

Hoss in a high voice, as he's looking for leprechauns: "Yoo-hooo!  Where are youuuu?"
Joe, in a high-pitched voice: "Yoo-hooo!  I'm over hee-rre!"

Episode 148 - The Lila Conrad Story

"I think we might get along better if you sorta take the Cartwrights as you find them." (Adam to the judge) - (Submitted by Puddleglum)

Episode 149 - Ponderosa Matador

Joe: “What’s the joke?”
Hoss: “Joke?”
Joe: “Yeah, when I came in here, you were going ‘Ah, ha, ha, ha!’  I figured the staircase must’ve said something real funny.”

Ben: “If I told you once, I told you a thousand times!  If you want to do any rough-housing, do it OUTSIDE!”

Hoss: “Our brother Adam’s different than the rest of us.  He’s sneaky. . . . Yup, he’s got something up his sleeve.”
Joe: “Yeah.  A hairy arm.”

"I wish my arms were as long as wagon tongues." (Joe to Hoss) - (Submitted by Adam’s Girl)

Joe, about one of the Ponderosa bulls: “I think we’d have a little more luck if we could find an enraged chicken.”

Joe, about one of the Ponderosa bulls: “I’m scarin’ him to death, Hoss.”

Adam: "You gotta be fast, Boy--Smart!" (Eileen, aka: "Fluffy")

Joe: “I just can’t understand it.  Somewhere along the line I think I was led astray.”
Adam, wryly: “And I followed.”

Hoss (referring to paying debts): “Share and share alike, right, brothers?”
Adam, grinning, shakes his head.
Hoss: “Right? . . . Right? . . . Right?”

Episode 156 - Love Me Not

Joan to Adam: “You teach as well as your father.”

Joan: “How can I walk in this stinkin’—”  Looking at Ben, she restates, “this shoe.”

"Love has nothing to do with logic!" (Ben to Joan) - (Submitted by Puddleglum)

Joan: " . . . I can bear you many sons."
Ben: "I have enough sons."
Joan: ''I'll give you more, bigger than Hoss, smarter than Adam, and handsomer than Little Joe." (Submitted by Puddleglum)

Episode 162 - A Pink Cloud Comes from Old Cathay

Nai Shen: “Honorable Hoss Cartwright has put her under a spell!”
Hoss: “ME?”

Tai Lee: “Ah, hah!  The bosses come to intimidate you!”

Tai Lee: “You want me to run from enemies?”
Hop Sing: “Sure. Hop Sing do all the time!”

Episode 164 - Enter Thomas Bowers 

Man: "He tried to kill me [in town] with his bare hands!"
Hoss, sarcastically: "Yeah.  I don't reckon he cared for all that fine food you served him."

Hoss: "Suppose the whole town was against you. . . . Would running out on 'em make any difference? . . . I sorta had you figured for a braver man than that."

Quotes from Season 6

Episode 172 - Thanks for Everything, Friend

Hoss: "I'm feelin' kinda stuffed."
Joe: "You've been stuffed for years."
Hoss: "Hey, you better watch out, or I'll box your ears."

Adam: " . . . Our little brother almost got his nose punched in."
Hoss: "Always knew you had a nose for trouble, Joe."
Joe, sarcastically: "Thanks."

Episode 174 - The Scapegoat

Ben: " . . . You're jealous.  I'll be a cock-eyed mule, you're jealous!"
Hoss: "It's just that I didn't realize she was so dadburn pretty."
Ben: "So help me Hannah, you're all alike!  You don't see a good thing until the other fellow sees it, and then it's too late."

Episode 176 - Square Deal Sam

Sam, making up a wild story: " . . . A foster home."
Hoss: "Oh, brother."

Episode 178 - Old Sheba

"A long, sad story is about to begin." (Adam to Pa) - (Submitted by Adam’s Girl)

Ben tried to get Sheba to stop going after the sack of grain.
Man, laughing: "One word from him and she does as she pleases."

Episode 179 - A Man to Admire

Bartender: "Let's hope you never need a lawyer that bad, Hoss."

Whitney Parker, quoting Abraham Lincoln: "'That argument is about as thin as a soup made from the shadow of a pigeon that's been starved to death.'"

Ben: "How's the head?"
Hoss: "Well, it's—feelin' bigger, but no better, I'm afraid."

Ev Durfee: "He shot my brother.  And that's the livin' truth."
Hoss mutters: "He's a livin' liar."

Ben: "Mr. Parker, I just don't know how we can thank you—all of us."
Mr. Parker: "You'll get your chance, Mr. Cartwright, when I send you my bill."

Episode 180 - The Underdog

Ben, after Joe has said why he tried to help Harry: "In other words, he was an underdog.  You had no way of knowing he was anything else.  Joe—never feel guilty about having warm human feeling toward anyone. . . . If it'd be any comfort, I felt exactly the same way about Harry that you did—and for the same reasons.  That doesn't make the reasons wrong . . . just Harry."

Episode 181 - A Knight to Remember

Deputy: “King Arthur?  What’s he look like?”
Adam, laughing, “You can't miss him.  He's the only knight in armor out there, I guarantee it!  Now GO GET HIM!  HURRY!”

Adam: "Cyril, why aren't you out there looking for him?  What's wrong with you two! . . . What kind of lunatic asylum is this, anyway?!"
Sheriff Muncy: "Well, it'll have to do until we can get you to a real one."

Hoss, smiling: "You mean ol' Adam done got himself into some dumb trouble?"

Adam: "I'm in enough trouble already!"
King Arthur/Leo: "Come on, you're free!"
Adam: "Sire—I do not wish to escape.  I like it here.  I love it here, Arthur."

Joe: "S-seems the sheriff wants us to fetch him [Adam]."
Ben: "Fetch him?  What kind of nonsense is that?"
Hoss: "Well, it seems Adam's been acting kinda—peculiar like."
Ben: "Peculiar?  What you mean, peculiar?!"
Joe: "It, uh—seems he's seeing things."
Ben: "Seeing things?  What kind of things is he seeing? . . . What kind of things has he been seeing?"
Joe: "Go ahead—tell him what kind of things he's been seeing."
Hoss: " . . . Knights in shining armors, and such."
Ben: "KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMORS?"
. . . 
Ben: "I can understand you [Hoss] seeing things, and I can imagine you seeing things, but I can't believe Adam sees things—not him!"

King Arthur/Leo: “Don’t worry about anything at all.  I’ll think of something.”
Adam: “ . . . I hope not.”

" . . . If this is a wild goose chase, I'm going to get a screwdriver and take you apart piece by piece." (Adam to the knight) - (Submitted by Puddleglum)

King Arthur/Leo: "For gallant and meritorious service—and for an understanding and sympathetic heart—King Arthur doth bestow upon thee the noble rank of knight.  I dub thee—Sir Adam."

Adam, to his family and Sheriff Coffee: "Peasants."  He walks away smiling.

Episode 183 - The Flapjack Contest

Joe: "Holy Toledo, the window pane!"
Ben: "You forgot."
. . . After Joe steps back in the wagon to unload it, he hears a crack, and pulls out a piece of broken window pane.
Joe, grimacing: "I guess Hoss remembered for me."
Ben: "Congratulations."

Hoss: "I'm starvin' to death after all that exercise.  I can't live on this rabbit food!" (Speaking of the celery, carrots, and apple Joe gave him.)

Hoss, with a can over the top of his head: "What are you doing down here, Joe?"
Joe: "It's too cold to sleep in my room with the window gone.  What's your excuse?"
Hoss: "I came down here to get a drink of water."
Joe: "A drink of water, my foot!  You came down to sneak some food out of the kitchen, didn't you?  Huh?  Didn't you, Hoss?"
Hoss nods slowly.
Joe: "And you're sorry, aren't you?"
Hoss shakes his head slowly.
Joe: "Oh, no, you're not sorry . . ."
Hoss: "I'm hungry.  I'm hungry, Joe, that's what I am!"

Joe, in regards to the window pane: "You know you can count on me, Pa."
Ben: "I'm trying, Son.  I'm suuure trying."

Hoss: "What happens if I lose and Big Ed wins?"
Joe: "Don't talk that way; it makes me upset." - (Submitted by happyfish)

Trager: "That Little Joe's smarter than he looks."
Big Ed: "But not as smart as you, Trager."
Trager: "Nah.  Prettier, maybe, but not smarter."

Hoss: "Sam, is this the strongest water you got?"

"You're no piemaker either, Jezebel!" --Joe to Lily the saloon girl (from Short Shanks)

Hoss, glaring at Joe: "Some little no-good . . . "
Joe: "You were in the kitchen trying to get some food, weren't you?"
Hoss: "My stomach's so dang empty . . ."
Joe: "And it's gonna stay that way until the contest!"

Ben, to Joe: "You'll just go to any length to break a window pane, won't you?"

Hoss: "That dang Ira.  He ain't no bigger than my leg."

Episode 185 - Woman of Fire

"Don't lose your temper so early in the morning; you won't have any left for the rest of the day!" (Adam to Margarita)  - (Submitted by Adam’s Girl)

Episode 187 - The Flannel-Mouth Gun

Adam: "You talk too much and listen too little." - (Submitted by Adam’s Girl)

Episode 192 - Right is the Fourth R

Adam: "Well, maybe I was wrong.  Maybe the truth costs too much."
Ben: "Yeah, sometimes it costs a great deal.  But it's always less than the cost of hiding it."

Episode 193 - Hound Dog

"When you buy the dog you get the bark too." (Adam to Hoss) - (Submitted by Puddleglum)

Episode 194 - The Trap

Ben: “‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’”
Boothe Shannon: “Don’t quote the Bible to me.  I know the book.”
Ben: “Do you?  Which parts, just the ones that suit your convenience?”

Quotes from Season 8

Episode 242 - Credit for a Kill

Joe to Ben: "I want to ask you a favor.  Next time I ask for a week off, don't give it to me."  Joe walks away, and Ben looks at Hoss questioningly.  Hoss shrugs. (from Credit for a Kill)

Joe, to ? in Credit for a Kill: "Oh, you would've died of a real bad case of slow."

"Look at that hand. Steady as a rock. I just wish I was right-handed." - Joe

Episode 248 - The Bridegroom

This quote is from Ben regarding an old friend who didn't think his daughter was pretty enough to get a husband on her own. "If brains were gunpowder, he couldn't blow his nose." (Submitted by Flackdg)

Quotes from Season 9

Episode 271 - Sense of Duty

The first words Candy ever says, after sneaking up on camp: "If I could have some of those peaches, I'd sure be obliged."

Man in uniform: "Where'd you come from?"
Candy: "Out there."

Candy, of the Indian, Wabuska: "Your, um—tied up friend here looks like he could give a bobcat the first bite and come home with a fur coat."

Man in uniform, to Ben Cartwright: "He just popped up, Major.  I didn't see him or hear him come in."
Candy: "My name's Candy." (Grin)
Ben: "Where ya from?"
Candy: "Any town within five hundred miles east of here, I've been there." (Grin)
Ben: "What's your business?"
Candy: "Tryin' to stay alive."
Ben: "How'd you find this camp?"
Candy: "Simple; I heard it. . . . I walked upwind of the voices; I saw the guards. (Grin)  I didn't want to bother them, so I just—walked on in."

Man with red shirt: "Candy—Candy.  Now, what kinda name would that be?"
Candy: "My name. (Licking peach juice off knife)  After a while it won't sound any funnier than, uh—Steve—or, uh, Hoss."  Hoss and Candy smile.

Ben, to Candy: "You said you walked in here.  When'd (where'd?) you leave your horse?"
Candy: "About two days, about forty miles behind.  It was shot out from under me. (Stops eating)  You wouldn't happen to have an extra horse, would'ja?"
Ben: "No—sorry."
Candy: "'Fraid a'that. (Drinks peach juice) Ahh—ahh. — Tell you what, I'll settle for another can of these peaches." (Grin)
Ben nods.

Episode 273 - Judgment at Olympus

Joe, to Hoss: "Oh, come on; it's as plain as the nose on your face—the shotgun shoots high and to the right." (Pointing at the target.)  Candy walks by and Ben enters house.
Hoss: "Hm.  You oughtta try aimin' at the X, Joe."
Joe: "Oh, that's funny, that's funny.  (Hoss laughs.)  I did aim at the X, and from thirty feet away, I should've blown the whole middle outta there."
Hoss: "You should've, sure."
Ben: "Forgive me for asking what may seem to be an obvious question, but, ah—this is a working ranch, isn't it—aren't you boys supposed to be out riding (righting?) fence?"
Joe: "Oh yeah, w-we were already riding (righting?) fence.  We're gonna go out again.  D-don't you remember you told me to get a whole mess of quail for dinner?"
Ben: "Yeah, yeah.  Since when are we shooting quail in the livingroom?"
Hoss: "Hmph (laugh).  It ain't likely y'd hit one in here (out there?) either, Pa.  Had two potshots, and he ain't hit so much as a feather."
Joe: "There's some'in' wrong with the shotgun, Pa.  See—look?"
Ben: "Yeah, sure is.  Either that or the hunter."
Hoss: "Yeah, ain't it funny, Pa—a man shoots at a target and he hits it—he's a good shot.— He misses it, it's a bad gun."  (Hoss and Ben laugh.)
Joe: "You think you can do better, right? — Why don't you take it and try it?"
Candy: "It is more than a little bit bad; the whole assembly's loose.  Joe—hand me a shell.  I think the, uh, there's too much room at the breech."
Joe: "Didn't I tell you—didn't I tell you there was some'in' wrong with it?"
Hoss, interrupting: "You keep fooling with that gun, Joe. — You'll find some'in' wrong with it." (Ben laughs.)

Candy, to Joe: “You know, I’d feel better if you didn’t think we needed the extra help.”

Episode 275 - False Witness

Joe: "I can get in the wagon by myself."
Hoss: "Oh, I'm sure you can, but I ain't got nothin' else to do."

Joe, to Candy: "Hey, you about ready to go?"
Candy: "Me?  I've been ready to go ever since we came into this town."
Hoss: "We'd better get on the way.  It's a long way home."
Joe: "It sure is, and a lot of folks don't get there."

Episode 276 - The Gentle Ones

Hoss (after Mark was beaten in a fight): "Mark, you look like a herd of buffalo has used you for a parade ground."

Episode 277 - Desperate Passage

Candy: "He's [Ben's] fair and honest."
Josh Tanner: "Honest, huh?  It's the honest ones get me in trouble."

Josh Tanner, as he sees Joe, Ben, and Hoss taking things from a room in town: "Fair and honest, huh?  Looks to me like they're cleaning house." (to Candy)
Joe (Hoss is writing things down): "Got a saddle, a bridle and a blanket and these saddlebags from the livery stable.  Oh, an'—Tanner got a shotgun, a 45, and a bottle of whiskey out of the saloon."
Ben: "Better add that to the list, too."
Josh Tanner: "If that's an IOU, I've got twelve shotgun shells and half a box of 45s."
Ben: "Well, as soon as we finish here we'll ride out."
Candy (looking at Josh): "Fair and honest."
Josh Tanner: "And a waste.  Everything in this town is owned by somebody out in that graveyard."

Episode 281 - Check Rein

Joe (looking at man who was knocked off his horse in an explosion): "He's alive."
Candy: "Ohh, yeah. The others turn pale right off."

Joe: "Well, you know, Pa, I-I could go along with Candy.  K-keep an eye on him. (Ben looks up and raises an eyebrow.  Hoss smiles.)  Well, he—could keep an eye on me, too." (Joe smiles, as does Hoss.)

Jayce: "There's five hundred dollars in there."
Hoss stops and turns around, frowning.
Joe: "Five hundred dollars for one horse?"
Ben raises an eyebrow.
Candy: "What's he made of, pure gold?"

Bartender: "Oh, sometimes things liven up around sundown."
Joe: "Whoeee."
Candy (sarcastically): "Can hardly wait."

Crying old lady goes by in the saloon . . .
Joe makes a face, his eyebrows up, and says: "If things pick up any more, I—just don't think I'm gonna be able to stand it."
Candy: "We can rest up from all the excitement over in the hotel.  Y'know, I bet the chamber-maid'll be seventy-two."
Joe, smiling wryly: "Yeah, as a matter 'a fact, he is."
Candy looks away.  Joe puts a hand to his face. — A man comes over and puts some money on the table.
Man: "Four hundred.  A hundred dollar profit.  I'll take the bill of sale for the black." (He holds out his hand.)
Joe: "Well, that's, uh—sure a nice profit, mister, but, ah (smiling and winking)—sorry, I'm not interested."
Man: "A'right.  Double your profit."
Joe & Candy look surprised.
Man: "I'm Gabriel Bingham, and I want that horse."
Joe looks at Candy.  Candy says:  "I don't, uh, remember you inviting anybody over here, Joe—did you invite anyone over here?"
Joe: "Hm?  No, I didn't invite anybody, did you invite somebody?"
Candy: "I didn't invite anyone over here."
Gabriel Bingham looks at Joe.  Joe grunts and says: "Hey, well, I'm sorry, mister, uh, Mr. Bingham?—but I-I can't sell the horse, it's not mine to sell.  See, it belongs to a fella who's in bed hurt—an' to hear him talk, that's—that's the greatest animal in the world, so—sorry." (smiling)
Candy takes the $100-bills and spreads them out in his hands, then shakes his head as he offers them to Mr. Bingham.  Mr. Bingham snatches them away.
Bartender: "Hey—cowboy, uh—did you know who that was?" (points)
Joe: "Hm?  Oh, yeah, tha—(pointing) that's Gabriel Bingham—(smiling) he likes black horses."
Candy laughs.
Joe laughs and says: "I get a strange feeling our exciting night in Rimville has just come and gone."
Candy: "Joe—give me another look at that bill of sale."
Joe: "A'right—but it's just a bill of sale."
Candy: "They've got me curious. (Shaking his head)  I must've missed some'in' when I looked at that horse."
Joe: "No, I counted—four legs an' a head.  Hey, bartender—what do we owe you for the, uh—the champagne, the ____? under glass, and the dancing girl?"
Bartender: "Huh?"
Joe: "The bill, please."
Bartender: "Oh—oh, uh—uh.  Two dollars and six bits."
Joe: "Mhm."
Candy: "I'm goin' back over to the stable an' take another look at that horse."
Joe: "Alrighty.  I'll be up in the room, figurin' out exciting stories to tell brother Hoss when we get back."

Man: "How do you want him, Mr. Bingham—dead, or alive?"
Mr. Bingham: "Yeah . . . dead or alive."

Candy sees two men trying to steal the black horse.  He draws his gun: "Hold it right there.  Put that horse right back where you found 'im."
Man with a gun, from behind: "You hold it right there, mister.  Drop yer gun.  Go ahead.  Get yer hands up—an' turn around real slow."

Joe; "What the heck happened to you?"
Candy, looking at the girl: "You said he was seventy!"
Joe: "Yeah, I was wrong, again.  What happened?"
Candy, touching his head: "Oh, about thirty-five very bad men hit me in the head and took that black away from me."

"First time you've volunteered for anything in over a month." - Ben (to Joe)  (from the TV Tome website)

Episode 285 - A Girl Named George

George, coming up to the front of the house where Ben, Hoss, and Joe are: "Howdy.  Are you Mr. Ben Cartwright?"
Ben: "Yeah, that's right."
George (calling back): "It's him! (Waves for her uncle to come on.)  I should've know.  They said you was a bossy-lookin' galoot.  (The boys laugh.)  With two sons—one fat and one pretty."  (Hoss's face falls; Joe grins.)
Ben: "Yes, that, uh, seems to be a pretty fair description.  Ah, this here's Hoss, the fat one.  And, uh, this here's the perty one, Joe.  And who are you?"
Geoge: "Oh, oh I-I'm George—(Joe mouths 'George?!' behind her back) an' that there's my uncle Enos."
Mr. Blessing: "Enos Blessin', at your service, sir."
Ben: "W'hello, Mr. Blessing."
Mr. Blessing: "How do you do, sir? (Shakes hands)  I'm here to remind you of your mortality.  (Sets up a gravestone on the table.)  Someday a stone like this is gonna mark your final resting place." (Writes RIP, CARTWRIGHT on it.)
Ben: "Well, there's a happy subject just before supper."
George: "Sad, ain't it, mister?  But one of these days them boys are gonna have to buy you a stone just like that one."
Joe: "Ah, now, don't you believe it, Pa, we'd never let you down like that.  (Hoss, speaking at same time: "Oh, no.  We'd get a more expensive one than that, Pa . . .")  We'd get you a great big granite thing."
Hoss: "We're gonna buy you an expensive one.  I mean a great big one—we'll put your name on it.  It'll say Ben Cartwright of the Ponderosa, born—"
Ben: "Thank you very much, boys; it's really very touching, your concern for me, but I feel rather hale and hearty at the moment.  I don't think I can use one of those just yet."
Mr. Blessing: "Ah, exactly!  What could a cold stone say of this handsome gentleman?  Could it speak of his warm smile, of his upright character, of his manly appearance?  (Ben stands up straighter, looking pleased.  Hoss smiles.)  Certainly not.  What he needs is a different kind of memorial."
Ben raises eyebrows in question.
Joe: "Uh—you know you're right.  (Enos nods.)  You're absolutely right.  And he's got one.  (Enos's smile fades.)  His fine sons—we will be his memorial."  Joe slaps Ben on the back.
Hoss: "Hey, yeah, that's right, Pa, and don't you forget it."  He slaps Ben on the shoulder a few times.
Ben: "Yes, indeed, boys, you certainly will be (laughing)—but what kind of different memorial were you (looking at Enos) thinking of?"
Mr. Blessing: "Well, I was thinking, sir, of a photograph."

Hoss: "Well—right now?  (Frowning)  I mean—it's supper-time."
Mr. Blessing: "Ah, no, no—no—that would be tomorrow, ah, when the light's a little better."
Hoss smiles and nods.

George: "Just loosen up, now, Mr. Hoss—you're stiffer than a hard-shell deacon—all of you."
Ben, mumbling: " . . . whole sight better off if I'd settled for that tombstone, I'll tell you that."
Joe: "Mm."

Candy: "Were the boys resisting one of your fatherly lectures, Mr. Cartwright?"
Ben: "I'm not in the habit of giving fatherly lectures.  And if I do, it's possibly because they need it!  It might have been a good idea if your father'd given you a few."
Candy: "Oh, he did."
Ben, raising his eyebrows: "Well, obviously they didn't have much effect."
Candy: "Oh yes they did.  (Ben raises an eyebrow again.)  I left home." (smile)

George, to Joe: "You ride Oldie once in a while, ya hear?  I don't want him to get rusty in the hinges."
Hoss: "I'll ride him, Gerogie."
George: "You?!  I don't want to come back here and fine him sway-backed."  All except for George laugh.

Episode 287 - The Burning Sky

Candy: "Excuse me, did you call her 'Moon'?"
Will Holt: "Well, if you had a wife, an' her name was, 'Moon Rising Red Over Big White Topped Stony Mountain' what would you call her?"
Candy (thinks for a moment): "Moon." (Nods and smiles.)

Ben, to Aaron Gore: "If a man's a good man, I don't care if he's red, white, blue, or purple! . . . Will Holt's a good man."

Episode 289 - Blood Tie

Joe, to Ben: "Well, I must say you stalled pretty good.  It couldn't've come much closer."
Ben, raising eyebrow: "No, it couldn't've.  And I want to thank you very much for not following Roy's orders to stay with the posse."
Joe: "Ah, well, it's like you've always said, Pa, I-I'm not very good at followin' orders."
Ben: "Yes, I—believe I've said that a number of times." (laugh)
Joe: "How 'bout some coffee, ah?"
Ben: "Yes, sir (or uh)?. — Oh, Joe.  Joe, I'd like you to do me a favor."
Joe: "Yes, sir?"
Ben: "Forget what I ever said about following orders.  I think I like you just the way you are."
Joe laughs and says: "I'll go get the coffee."

Episode 290 - The Crime of Johnny Mule

Candy, to Hoss: "You're more than just plain stubborn! You could give a hard rock billy goat lessons!" (From Candy's Girl)

Candy to Hoss: "Where you been?"
Hoss: "I've been busy."  (From Blue Velvet)

Episode 294 - Commitment at Angelus

"We're all mean this time of the mornin'." - Candy (from TV Tome site)

Quotes from Season 10

Episode 309 - The Last Vote

Ben (after Joe and Hoss finally stop arguing): "Why couldn't I have had two daughters?"

Hoss to Joe: "Oh, boy!  When you get the oneries, you get 'em in all directions."

Titus Simpson to Joe: "If you want to give out free drinks and kiss a few babies, you go right ahead."

Hoss: "You heard all of that hogwash, now listen to mine a while!"

Episode 310 - Catch as Catch Can

Hoss to Joe and Ben: "You sure do smell good."
Joe, smiling: "Sorry I can't say the same about you."

Candy, after being accused of cheating in poker: "Those aren't my cards!  I don't know where they came from."
Sheriff Gant: "That is your pocket, ain't it?"

Candy: "Do you believe the cards were planted on me?"
Ben: "I'm sure they were."
Candy, almost fiercely: "What makes you so sure?"
Ben: "Because you said they were."
Candy, after a pause and smile: "Thanks."

Episode 313 - The Sound of Drums

Joe: "He really is a fine figure of a man, isn't he, Hoss?"
Hoss: "He sure is. He's just rugged enough to keep from bein' pretty!" (Joe and Hoss teasing Candy) - (From Candy's Girl)

Episode 317 - A World full of Cannibals

Joe to the sheriff: "Guard him against whom?"
Mr. Ball, answering for the sheriff: "Anybody—everybody."
Candy: "Popular fellow."

Joe: "Y'know, if I didn't know you better, I'd, uh, I'd say you were scared."
Candy: "Yeah, I'm scared, that's right.  You bet on it!  I'm scared five or six of them are gonna come, and there's gonna be one or two of you here, and the rest of us are gonna be out on the range somewhere, and we'll get here just in time to bury you—that's what I'm scared of!"

Candy, about Mr. Ball: "Nothin' like gettin' shot at for a man to see the light."

Episode 322 - Company of Forgotten Men

Sergeant Mike Russell of Candy: "Keep your eye on him every minute.  He's trickier than a bucket full of snakes—I know 'cause I trained him."

Episode 329 - The Running Man

Jess: "What were you in jail for?"
Joe: "Oh, I was innocent, just like everybody else."

Candy: " . . . They'll make it.  They've got something extra going for them."
Joe (still looking out the window): "Oh yeah, what's that?"
Candy: "Each other."

Episode 330 - The Unwanted

Hoss, talking about dancing: "Biggest problem I have is not breaking the little gals' feet."

Laurie: "I wish he were like you.  Father, I mean.  I can talk to you."

Laurie to Ben: "What's the matter with all you old people, anyway?  All you do is think about the past.  You've forgotten what it's like to have a future.  I thought you were different—but you're not!  I hope I never get to be like you!"

Rick: "What I cam to ask about—well, I'd like your permission to dance with Laurie, sir."
Laurie's father: "I'd say that's up to her.  If she wants to, I have no objections.:
Rick: "Thank you."
Ben: " . . . Well, that didn't hurt too much, did it?"
Laurie's father: "No, but—it'll take some getting used to."

Episode 332 - The Fence

Ben, laughing: "I tell you, the older a man gets, the colder the winters seem, have you noticed that?"
Col. Jim Hudson, stonily: "No, I can't say that I have."

Col. Hudson: "I'm prepared to break in."
Ben: "Try it.  They'll be dead men in the snow."

Hoss: "You know—takes a lot of hatred to bear a grudge like you do, Colonel."
Col. Hudson: "If you'd spent a year behind a fence, watching your men die, you'd bear a grudge, too."
Hoss: "But there was war on.  You keep forgettin' that."
Col. Hudson: "There are rules by which civilized men fight wars."
Will Tyler: "Rules to die by.  What difference if a man dies from hunger or a bullet—he's dead both ways.  The first principle of warfare is to kill the enemy, isn't it?"
Col. Hudson: "I spoke of civilized men, Tyler.  You don't qualify."
Hoss: "Colonel, you're still a prisoner.  You're imprisoned by a fence of hatred as much as you were ever imprisoned by a fence of wire."
Col. Hudson: "But this time there's a difference.  Here, I'm on the outside, he's on the inside.  Tomorrow morning, that fence comes down—if I have to tear it down with my bare hands."

Quotes from Season 11

Episode 335 - The Witness

Joe: "I'll teach you to read."
Jenny: "Honest?"
Joe: "Sure, but you gotta promise me something."
Jenny: "What's that?"
Joe: "Don't close your eyes."

Episode 344 - Dead Wrong

Man: "Get over there and arrest him!"
Sheriff: "For what?  There's no law against takin' a bath."

Hoss: "Now, big I am, but Jack I ain't."

Candy: "I've seen some dead towns in my day, but this is ridiculous."
Hoss: "You ain't kiddin'."

Hoss, to the banker: "What holiday?"
Banker, shakily: "Good Tuesday."
Hoss: "A new one to me."
Candy: "Me, too.  Maybe it's a local holiday—maybe that's why it's so quiet around here."

Candy: "I had enough dirt on me to grow grass."

Hoss: "You know—for a little hotel, this is the best service I ever did see."

Hoss: "I think I'll have Hop Sing bring me my breakfast every morning."
Candy: "You kidding?  Hop Sing couldn't carry your breakfast!"

Hoss: "Why'd they be closed today?"
Candy: "I don't know.  Maybe it's Good Wednesday."

Hoss: "Wouldn't be a feller by the name of Big Jack?"
Big Jack: "He's a right handsome john."
Hoss, smiling: "Oh, yeah?"
Big Jack: "He don't look nothin' like you."
Hoss's face falls.

Hoss: "Why'd they be closed today for?"
Candy: "I don't know; maybe it's Good Wednesday." (Grins.)

Salty: "Y'see, it's a matter of life or death."
Hoss: "Yeah—whose?"
Salty: "Yours."

Hoss: "This ain't no joke?
Salty: "'Fraid not."
Candy: "Then we either go to jail for a month or we get shot."
Salty: "'Fraid so."

Hoss: "Well I hate to disappoint 'em, but I ain't going to jail for no month."
Candy: "Ah, he did give you a choice, you know."
Hoss: "Oh, that's funny.  Very funny."
Candy: "Just trying to be helpful."

Hoss: "What are you sittin' there grinnin' about?"
Candy: "I think I may have an idea that might work."
Hoss: "Come on, out with it."
Candy: "Well, those fellows out there want Big Jack either in jail or dead, right?"
Hoss: "Right."
Candy: "And Salty wants everybody to be happy, right?"
Hoss, nodding: "So?"
Candy: "So . . . Big Jack—It looks like you're just gonna have to die."
Hoss smiles and nods, then suddenly looks shocked.

After the fake duel when Hoss pretends to get shot and stumbles backward then topples face-down in the dirt
Candy whispers: "That was the corniest thing I've ever seen."

Big Jack: "I don't know who that Big Jack was, but I'm sure glad it wasn't me."

Man, trying to pick up Hoss's coffin: "What's in here, a horse? - Let's give him [Candy] back his dollar."
Man 2, testing another coffin: "Wait a minute, wait a minute.  This one's light as a feather."
Man: "I don't know if we should."
Man 2: "What are you whispering for?  They can't hear you."
Man: "I know, but—"
Man 2: " . . . It doesn't matter—they're not gonna get any deader than they are now."

Candy, after finding out the coffins were switched: "Give me the other one!"
Mortician: "Can't do it."
Candy: "Why not?"
Mortician: "It's not here."
Candy: "Where is it?"
Mortician: "My guess would be about six feet underground in the cemetery."
Candy: "Under—ground?"

Mortician, lying back down in a coffin after Candy leaves: "Getting so a man can't rest in peace."

Preacher: "And no matter how impossible the task, we could always count on Thaddeus to work his way up."
The lid of the coffin flies off and Hoss, clad in a blanket, rises up.

Candy, as Salty prepares to shoot Big Jack in the street: "Oh no, not again."

Candy: "We already killed you once; what are we gonna do now?"
Hoss: "I don't know about you, but I'd rather spend a month in jail than go through that again."  They come out with their hands up.

Episode 350 - The Trouble With Amy

Judge: "Mrs. Wilder, it may not be so easy next time."
Amy: "We'll worry about next time next time."

Ben: "She may be eccentric, but she isn't senile."

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